12 Jul 2008

Sometimes...Behind ME



Time to wear the mask.


Put on that smile.


Make it seem that everything’s alright.


Coz all’s not lost.


….Not yet.


So off I go.. to the world, my stage.









Sometimes I pretend to be strong and smile though my heart pains.


Sometimes I pretend to be weak and allow the world to do me favours.


Sometimes I pretend to be smart and read and think and imagine and create.


Sometimes I pretend to be stupid. These are the days I love wearing my Fasttrack glares.


Sometimes I pretend to be intelligent but I can’t understand.


Sometimes I pretend to be blonde but it’s only peroxide.


Sometimes I pretend to be fully aware of where I’m going but I’m hopelessly lost.


Sometimes I pretend to be lost but I hold His lamp that lights my path in my hands.


Sometimes I pretend to be confident, but I know that I don’t know.


Sometimes I pretend to be unaware, but I know that I know.


Sometimes I pretend to be happy, even though…


Sometimes I pretend to be sad - and am constantly amazed at the love God and my family show me.


Sometimes I pretend to be entertained, though like Solomon, I feel everything is a vanity of vanities.


Sometimes I pretend to be pious, though I wish for vanity of vanities.


Sometimes I pretend to be a writer, I play with words until like a jigsaw puzzle I know what fits where.


Sometimes I pretend to be a reader, all the while trying to stop my mind from racing ahead to figure out where it’s going.


Sometimes I pretend to be a cook. Very rare times indeed, but it does happen.


Sometimes I pretend to be a connoisseur of food. But I have a small appetite, I have no sense of smell and my taste is sub-standard.


Sometimes I pretend to be bindaas. Sorry, it’s almost 3 am, I can’t think of the English word for bindaas; and who really cares?


Sometimes I pretend to be good. Though only God and I know the utter depraved extent of my unholiness.


Sometimes I pretend to be bad. I do a decent enough job at it, but I run home to God everytime. My hiding place.


Sometimes I pretend to be a narcissistic, but I don’t love the way I look at all.


Sometimes I pretend to be self-deprecating but I can’t stop taking pictures of my self with my phonecam (read posing also).


Sometimes I pretend to be loving, but I still struggle with altruistic love, forgiveness and surrender.


Sometimes I pretend to be hard. But I can’t help loving.


Sometimes I pretend to be happy with my work. And then I realise I’m not.


Sometimes I pretend to be sad with my work. Then I’m surprised how much I’m really grateful for it.


Sometimes I pretend to be complaining, all the while giving thanks in my heart.


Sometimes I pretend to be giving thanks, all the while complaining in my heart.


Sometimes I pretend to be ambitious. But all I want is to be happy and love all those around me.


Sometimes I pretend to be simple. But I really want to be remembered forever by everyone.


Sometimes I pretend to be fashionable, when all I want is to wear my old navy blue salwar.


Sometimes I pretend to be not fashion-conscious but I check trends and I change outfits for hours before going out.


Sometimes I pretend to be very family oriented though in my mind I want to be out with my friends.


Sometimes I pretend to be without attachment. Though I know my God and my family are my backbone, my support, my stronghold.


Sometimes I pretend to be able to give everything up. But I know how weak I actually am.


Sometimes I pretend to be weak. Then I realise in Him I have everything and I need nothing more.


Sometimes I pretend to be here, but I’m not, I don’t want to be anymore.


Sometimes I pretend to be at work, but I’m here at my blog, wondering if I have new comments!


Sometimes I pretend to be happy with what I write but I know its mostly plain crap.


Sometimes I pretend to be on a higher literary level but I’m quite pleased even with my most inane blog posts.


Sometimes I pretend to be blogging because it’s my creative outlet but I constantly monitor my feeds and my hits and I smile.


Sometimes I pretend to be tech saavy about the net, but all I want to do really is just write.


Sometimes I pretend to be worldly and secular. But I remember Him always.


Sometimes I pretend to be like someone else but I know I’m myself.


Sometimes I pretend to be individualistic. But I know I’m just copying so many people.


Sometimes I pretend to be sleepy but I’m like an insomniac.


Sometimes I pretend to be awake but I’m day dreaming.


Sometimes I pretend to be planning but I’m going with the flow.


Sometimes I pretend to be going with the flow but I’m a obsessive control freak.


Sometimes I pretend to be in the present but I reminisce and I wonder.


Sometimes I pretend to be fore-sighted but I’m living in the moment, trying hard not to think.


Sometimes I pretend to be brave but I wonder what people would think about me.


Sometimes I pretend to be interested in other’s opinions of me but it doesn’t really matter.


Sometimes I pretend to be neutral but I realise it’s love.


Sometimes I pretend to be in love but I realise it’s not something that can happen as often as I’d like.


Sometimes I pretend it’s real, but I’m pretending.


Sometimes I pretend I’m pretending, but it’s real.


Sometimes I stop pretending, these are the times I am realise the depth of true love.


These are the times I realise, everything else is but a pretense.


But it’s late, I’ll go to sleep. Tomorrow, I’ll get up and start pretending again.



7 comments:

Anindya said...

The more you like yourself, the less you'd want to pretend to be other person... So why do you pretend?

Anonymous said...

Canadian soldier lives for few hours may be but it lives its life, I believe that policy! What do you say girl?
Perhaps, when are you letting that fade away?

mirrorcracked said...

My God!
This is such a wonderful composition! Whatever you are embarking on, I hope you succeed!
PS: I'm sure many people have told you this before, but you've got a great smile! :)

Elvis said...

Hey how old is this Pic? if its recent then u have worked hard else work hard!!. This is a nice peice of work.Keep it up :)

kumar said...

Good one.....hope u look the same way u luk in tht picture....

JudeTheObscure said...

Hey,

Question: Was the intention of this post to show case the picture or your composition?

regards,

Jude

ray said...

Hi ,

I was reading ur blog posts and found some of them to be very good.. u write well.. Why don't you popularize it more.. ur posts on ur blog ‘Mind intentionally left blank... ’ took my particular attention as some of them are interesting topics of mine too;

BTW I help out some ex-IIMA guys who with another batch mate run www.rambhai.com where you can post links to your most loved blog-posts. Rambhai was the chaiwala at IIMA and it is a site where users can themselves share links to blog posts etc and other can find and vote on them. The best make it to the homepage!

This way you can reach out to rambhai readers some of whom could become your ardent fans.. who knows.. :)

Cheers,

 
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