11 Oct 2008



Me: Coz its your "Happy Birthday", I am going to make, hmmm say... "A Vegetable Bath"!

Mumma: Well why bath? Keeping them under the running tap would do sweetie!!!

Me: Happy Birthday PJ Queen! Muahahaha :)


10 Oct 2008

Moment Of Truth

Many a times we arrive at cross roads. Where we need to cross – over;
Cross over people, cross over memories, cross over pains, cross over the life that was.
They all say, move on, that's the way of life. Even I have said that, to the ones who came to me in times of pain and loneliness, seeking for words of nurture and care.

'Move on' I have told them, 'life holds so much to see and perceive.'
'Do not derogate yourself' were my words, 'for you know not what you're worth.'
'Everyone deserves happiness', I tried to make them believe, 'so do you, and so shall you get.'

Ironically, when my time came, neither there was anyone to tell me this, nor could I really make myself actually follow what I used to preach. I laughed at myself, thinking, how wronged they all are, who think I am wise, I am nice. Coz I aint. I am weird. Yeah, really I am.

Time and again, I go back and think over all that I have said, and all that I have done. Only to find, I just don't fit in. I know not what I'm doing. I know not what my true calling is. I'm still searching for it. I have my fears. I have my short-comings. I am a solitary-reaper.
But still I am happy. I can love. I can laugh, make others laugh. I can be content with what I have.

Weird, eh? Told you!

I was at a cross road yesterday, looking ahead, and not wanting to walk, for I wanted to back home. But they pushed me, drove me out, told me 'this is what you got, so this is what you'll do.' And so I did. I walked. I slithered. I ran. And today, I stand at a new cross – road. All over again, thinking it wasn't that bad. There are worse things that can happen. Perhaps that was what was meant to be. Perhaps we're all better this way.

At times it's not that hard pushing away a long existing image from your head. For the bruise is too bad to conceal or make up. And at times, certain images just refuse to be washed away. They mock at your helplessness; dig at your tears, and satire at what a fool you had been. And yet you try. And so I did.

They say, home is where the heart is. I have made my heart my home.

5 Oct 2008

Letter to Ajji

Dearest Grandma,

It’s been quite some time I wrote to you; uh haa 10 years perhaps. I am not fine and also hopelessly lost by the way; Momma and Poppa too are. Except for “Gunda” who now does not like to be referred like that :). She is "Vatti" for people!

Grandpa is fine, still doesn’t agree that he should stay with us. The talks we made asking him to come here failed and finally we had to give up. He is very much into Yoga now. Oh man how could I forget that you both almost talk every day. I am sure he would have told you about why I am so lost.

Lets get into details later, how are you? Did you meet him? Your favourite “Guru Raghavendra swamy”. Does he look the same? Like how we see in the photos? Does he wear that orange dupatta, err khaavi batte on his head there also, and what about the other list of gods whom you used to worship? You must have met them all by now. Is it cold there? So many questions I know, you can answer them while you speak with grandpa next time, and I shall get to know from him, or even better you can come in my dreams. We can talk there, but your daughter wouldn’t let me sleep after 5:30am. So we won’t have much time to talk, I think its fair enough if you tell grandpa.

You know even now, I wash my hands before I eat, when I am using spoon for having that not-so-good-puliyogre in the food court. I miss the puliyogre you used to make, the way you used to spread out the white rice in that big bowl and get it to the hall. There is no fan in the kitchen hence the bowl used to be placed just below fan on the teepoy. After few minutes you used to get the fresh mix, with lots of kadlekaayibeeja & pour on top of the warm rice. Then carefully you mixed them together using hands so that we dont end up getting only plain rice without the masala. Momma always uses the spatula now, & uses ready to eat mix and I always end up getting those lumps of plain rice when I eat. :(

Its not just puliyogare, but that many more things that you made. It’s too bad that you dint teach momma the right recipes, or maybe you did and she doesn’t remember them well.

I still never forget to tell a "Sorry" when I realize that I’ve hurt someone. Over the years I have learnt that a sorry along with a hug does wonders, hmmm it actually takes out the guilt out of you completely for the wrong you did. I have been a good granddaughter :)

(Psst Psst: Tell grandpa that you’re proud of me, next when you talk with him and please do not tell him that I asked you to do it. Innocence at its heights it will be)

Coming back to why I am lost; where do I start from, hell lots of blunders that exist that .......

I am fed up of “whatever happens happens for good” happenings. I want something good to actually happen. I don’t want to learn anymore from such happenings.

People who simply can’t stay along, almost invade into my life like twister..call it suntaragaali in kannada, stay for a while, causing things like curiosity, hope, sometimes dreams too, to whirl around my life in a perfect zoom and then suddenly they leave, only to make the place they stayed a junkyard.

Finally I hear “whatever happens happens for good!!! This is how you learn in life”. I have learned enough from all of them who did that. Can you believe, now I almost know how to quit from all kinds of alliances that exist in the world, starting from whom you chose to whom your parents chose?

They do it so cleverly that I literally took some time to get enlightened that they haha, well you know what I mean right. I am totally lost, and so is everyone around. You said god plays fair always; please ask him to consider this request of mine. I prefer not to play any game starting from now, until he assures me I’ll not be in the receiving end.

I can’t even sleep on Momma’s lap coz she will be worried that am lost. We both pretend that we are fine. If you’re free tonight please come in my dreams. I need your lap. For a minute at least, to find “the hopelessly lost myself”.

Your Granddaughter

4 Oct 2008


I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside you. And it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends… you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he’ll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you’ll go somewhere new. And you’ll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.